Monday, 4 May 2009


There doesn’t have to be a reason for every action…sometimes, it’s just pure instinct.

I walk out and close the door behind me. It is a bitter night. Darkness surrounds me, and the only source of light is that of the moon. My pace is hasty as I walk through the silent night. It is too quiet. I can hear my own heartbeat. My thoughts are racing each other. I can not keep up. My mind jumps from memory to memory…from moment to moment…from word to word…not allowing me to acknowledge or comprehend.

As I round a corner, I stop mid-step. I thought id heard something. A faint sound…a gentle sigh. I close my eyes and stand frozen in place, waiting for something to happen. I count to ten. Nothing occurs. I let out the breath that I am holding in my chest. I count to a further ten. Opening my eyes, I turn a full circle and look around me as my eyes try to adjust to the darkness. The world is full of shadows, but there is nothing to be seen.

Convinced that I had imagined the noise, I start walking again. A sudden image flashes before my eyes….His face. I struggle for breath. So vivid is the picture that I come to a sharp halt. I stumble and almost fall. A small sound escapes from between my lips. I am determined not to cry. I can not understand why he invaded my mind at this precise moment. It has been a long time. Months have passed and yet, his image came to me as clear as day. I do not understand why now. An overwhelming feeling takes over me. I kneel and will myself to calm down.

As I try to concentrate on breathing in and out, I hear the faint sigh again. This time I do not look around. Instead I reach out my hand into the darkness. Something, as light as air, touches my palm. A shiver runs up my arm, as I know that there is nothing there. After a few moments, I get up once again and resume my walk. But this time, there is a purpose in every step that I take. I allow my feet to lead me even though I do not know where they are taking me. I am following a gold line that is invisible to my eyes. I continue to walk on the road to nowhere.

The silence around me intensifies. It becomes complete. It is then that I see him. Standing against a tree with his back to me, I glimpse his silhouette in the gloomy night. My feet slow down and each step becomes more gentle as it hits the ground. As I approach him, I notice a change in his stance. He is aware of me, and yet he does not turn around. As I reach him, I bite my lower lip hard. I am determined not to cry. I have never known a silence so absolute.

For a moment nothing moves. Even the air is still. We are alone in the world. He does not turn around. Not being able to resist any longer, I step close to his turned back and put my arms around him. I feel him start to shake. I hold him tighter and rest against him. I allow myself to melt into him. I breathe him in. I have never known such peace. In that moment, nothing matters. Not who I am, not who he is, not what has happened between us, not what has been broken beyond repair…Nothing matters. All that I want from this world right now is to hold him. He lets me.

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