Monday, 4 May 2009


There doesn’t have to be a reason for every action…sometimes, it’s just pure instinct.

I walk out and close the door behind me. It is a bitter night. Darkness surrounds me, and the only source of light is that of the moon. My pace is hasty as I walk through the silent night. It is too quiet. I can hear my own heartbeat. My thoughts are racing each other. I can not keep up. My mind jumps from memory to memory…from moment to moment…from word to word…not allowing me to acknowledge or comprehend.

As I round a corner, I stop mid-step. I thought id heard something. A faint sound…a gentle sigh. I close my eyes and stand frozen in place, waiting for something to happen. I count to ten. Nothing occurs. I let out the breath that I am holding in my chest. I count to a further ten. Opening my eyes, I turn a full circle and look around me as my eyes try to adjust to the darkness. The world is full of shadows, but there is nothing to be seen.

Convinced that I had imagined the noise, I start walking again. A sudden image flashes before my eyes….His face. I struggle for breath. So vivid is the picture that I come to a sharp halt. I stumble and almost fall. A small sound escapes from between my lips. I am determined not to cry. I can not understand why he invaded my mind at this precise moment. It has been a long time. Months have passed and yet, his image came to me as clear as day. I do not understand why now. An overwhelming feeling takes over me. I kneel and will myself to calm down.

As I try to concentrate on breathing in and out, I hear the faint sigh again. This time I do not look around. Instead I reach out my hand into the darkness. Something, as light as air, touches my palm. A shiver runs up my arm, as I know that there is nothing there. After a few moments, I get up once again and resume my walk. But this time, there is a purpose in every step that I take. I allow my feet to lead me even though I do not know where they are taking me. I am following a gold line that is invisible to my eyes. I continue to walk on the road to nowhere.

The silence around me intensifies. It becomes complete. It is then that I see him. Standing against a tree with his back to me, I glimpse his silhouette in the gloomy night. My feet slow down and each step becomes more gentle as it hits the ground. As I approach him, I notice a change in his stance. He is aware of me, and yet he does not turn around. As I reach him, I bite my lower lip hard. I am determined not to cry. I have never known a silence so absolute.

For a moment nothing moves. Even the air is still. We are alone in the world. He does not turn around. Not being able to resist any longer, I step close to his turned back and put my arms around him. I feel him start to shake. I hold him tighter and rest against him. I allow myself to melt into him. I breathe him in. I have never known such peace. In that moment, nothing matters. Not who I am, not who he is, not what has happened between us, not what has been broken beyond repair…Nothing matters. All that I want from this world right now is to hold him. He lets me.

Sunday, 30 September 2007


I watched as HE approached her…

She was instantly alert, and her posture changed. She raised her head and flicked her hair back in a casual gesture. She was aware of HIS eyes on her as HE moved towards her but she pretended not to notice.

The guy standing with her paused in mid-sentence and a frown covered his face as he tried to understand the sudden sense of alertness that surrounded her. With a small shake of his head, he continued what he was saying although the look of puzzlement remained on his face. As he finished his sentence, she laughed and swung around in perfect timing to come face to face with HIM.

At once, she re-organised her features so that the laughter turned to mild surprise. She extended her hand and rested it lightly on HIS chest as if to regain her balance.

Slowly, she raised not her head, but her eyes up towards HIS and looked at HIM from under her eye lashes. With a motion of utter seduction, she bit her lower lip as a sign of hesitation, and then she extended her lips into an inviting smile.

HE greeted her with a kiss that landed too close to her smiling lips. She laughed again, and then wrapped her arms around HIS body in a close hug. The other guy was long forgotten.

A gentle smile appeared on HIS face.

HE bent HIS head down and said something in her ear which made her laugh for the third time. At that precise moment, HE raised HIS eyes and looked straight into mine with a burning intensity.

Everything and everyone seemed to vanish and for a moment, nothing remained but our locked eyes. I felt the heat of HIS gaze and wanted the earth to shake with the trembling of my body.

Turning HIS attention back to the female in HIS arms, HE pretended to pick a non-existing leaf out of her hair. Playing along, she thanked HIM appreciatively despite the fact that we both knew, that HIS only intention was to run HIS fingers through her hair. HE looked up at me again wanting to see the affects of HIS actions on me. I gave nothing away.

HE tilted HIS head, and narrowed HIS eyes in annoyance at the lack of a reaction on my part. I watched with blankness as the side of HIS jaw tightened. I knew that HE was waiting for nothing more than a tiny twitch of my own lips. I did not grant HIM the feeling of satisfaction that HE sought.

Instead, I dimpled my cheek with a smile and held HIS gaze. By now, HIS eyes were hurling daggers in my direction and colour was rising into HIS face.

But enough was enough…

With an elegant toss of my own hair, I turned around gracefully to hide the welling tears that blinded my eyes...And with an ultimate and controlled poise, I walked away into the night.

Friday, 8 June 2007


I open the door and stop dead. The world tilts. I suddenly feel extremely dizzy. Putting my hand out, I lean against the door frame to try to remain upright. I close my eyes tightly, trying to fight the overwhelming sensation of lightheadedness that attacks me. I don’t succeed. With a soft moan, my knees buckle and I fall down to the ground. This cannot be happening to me.

I slowly raise my eyes to the scene before me. My mind struggles to make sense of the picture my eyes are delivering to it. I wonder if it’s a hallucination…a delusion. I shake my head gently trying to get rid of the image, but it remains as it is. She remains in his arms. They remain in a position that no casual friends should be in.

I wonder what I should do now. I need an answer…a clarification of what I am seeing. My eyes find his. I search for an explanation in them, but I find none. Instead, I see shame, embarrassment, and guilt. But most of all, I see fear…pure fear. I smile. Had I looked in a mirror at that moment, I would have been alarmed by my own reflection. But I didn’t need to. The expression on their faces told me all that I needed to know.

The love of my life…and my best friend…how nice…

Still smiling, I get up, turn around, and walk out of the room towards the kitchen. I head towards the kitchen door and pick up an object from behind it. Its heavy for my small frame, but my anger gives me strength. I wait.

He does exactly what I expected him to do. He leaves her and follows me into the kitchen. Cautiously, he approaches my turned back and utters my name softly. I don’t respond. I wait for him to get closer. He takes a few more steps towards me until he’s a few inches away. I react. Turning around swiftly, I raise the baseball bat up high and bring it crashing down on the side of his head, with a force beyond that of what I should be capable of. A brief look of surprise enters his face, and then his eyes role back into his head as he collapses. His head hits the ground with a hard thump as I make no attempt to break his fall. I am smiling no more.

Leaving him in a spreading pool of blood, I leave the kitchen and walk into the living room once more. I study the pathetic creature that is cowering in one corner of the room. She had heard the thud, and upon seeing the baseball bat in my hands, she put two and two together. I stand there and watch as comprehension enters her face. She begins to tremble visibly.

The fool, had she stood up and tackled me, she would have won. She was both taller and bigger, and it wouldn’t have taken much effort to pin my small body to the ground. But the look in my eyes and the expression on my face had her frozen in her place.

It isn’t long before she starts pleading and begging for her life. I know that I can’t just walk up to her and strike her, because she would block the hit if she saw it coming. I don’t have the element of surprise on my side, as I had with him. So I change tactics. I play defeat. I play the card of pity and mercy. Allowing my eyes to fill with tears and my lips to quiver, I lower the bat to an unthreatening position. I see her eyes following it and her body relaxes slightly under this false impression of hope.

‘Why?’ I ask in a voice on the verge of breakdown. I am well aware that the tone of my voice gives her a sense of more optimism. She starts to apologise. She begins stammering a justification…a plea. She begs for forgiveness. I step towards her slowly, as tears fall down my cheeks, and gaze down at her kneeling figure. She looks up at me with her big, tear filled eyes and a feeling of immense hatred over clouds my mind. Without hesitation or a sense of warning, I lift the bat once again and bring it smashing down on her head before she even realizes what was happening. She falls. I don’t stop. I hit her again and again and again…

I finally stop…unaware of how many times my bat made contact with her head or body. She looks a mess. Breathing hard, I bend down and feel her wrist for a pulse. There is none. I stand up once more and allow the bat to fall out of my hand. I walk towards the phone and dial for an ambulance. I feel exhausted.

With one last glance towards the mangled body of my best friend, I approach the front door and leave the house. I hear the sound of a distant siren as I walk away towards nothingness…I smile.

Tuesday, 1 May 2007

A game of fate

It was a warm Sunday afternoon. Most people were at home…either inside to avoid the hot sun…or outside bathing in it. It was the kind of weather that made you feel lethargic and sleepy, and so, the roads where almost empty.

Due to an intense argument with my mother, I had decided to go for a drive in my car to calm myself down. I drove aimlessly for a long time and when I felt that my blood pressure had returned back to normal, I decided to head back home.

As I stopped for a red traffic light, I lay my head back against my seat and enjoyed a moment of peace and quiet. It wasn’t long-lived. A red convertible, with music blasting and shattering the silence, turned a corner and stopped in the lane next to mine. I turned my head in annoyance to see who the culprit was and my eyes rested on a beautiful stranger.

He caught my gaze and the world turned upside down. I blinked and willed myself to look away. That’s when I noticed the other occupant of the car. A female…as beautiful as him. With his eyes still on me, he leaned over towards his passenger and said something in her ear which made her laugh. He then sat back and smiled at me…I didn’t smile back. Instead, I revved my engine. His smile deepened and I knew that he had understood. Starring straight ahead, I put my car into gear and waited for the light to change. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his do the same.


Feet pressed down hard on the acceleration peddle, and both cars shot forward…the race began. I knew that in half a mile, the two lanes would join into one. I was determined to get there first. As we both picked up speed, I hoped that no police vans were around because we were exceeding the limit by a great deal.

He was good…but so was I.

Our cars remained almost level…Each pulling ahead from second to second by a short distance. As we sped down the road, I felt all the previous tension due to my argument with my mother leave my body. I was flying.

We approached the end of the lanes together. At the very last second, it was he who braked to prevent the collision of our cars…he allowed me to go first. I won!

I raised my eyes to the review mirror and looked straight into his. He was smiling and laughter escaped from between my lips. Tilting my head to one side, I stuck my tongue out at him and this time, it was he who laughed.

I felt extremely happy. I experienced a peace of mind and soul that I haven’t felt for a long time. In that moment, I vowed that when I return home, I would hug my mother, apologize, and tell her how much I love her.

Still laughing, I turned my gaze towards his passenger. She didn’t look impressed. The expression on her face was one of irritation, and her eyes were throwing daggers in my direction. Not caring that I was annoying her, I turned my attention back to him and blew him a kiss via my review mirror. He laughed again and blew a kiss back.

I was too busy smiling at him…too entranced by his eyes…to notice the truck pulling out onto the road a short distance away from me.

I suddenly saw his expression change. His eyes widened and a look of horror entered his face. His lips mouthed a warning that I did not hear. I felt a sudden, deep coldness inside. I finally returned my eyes onto the road, and that’s when I saw the truck.

My foot slammed against the brakes as shock seized my entire body. I knew that I was going too fast to be able to stop in time. Terrible fear gripped my heart and I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to die. A picture of my mothers’ angry and hurt face flashed before my eyes. I felt sad.

The impact was devastating…there was absolutely no chance…of survival.

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

A definition of happiness...

I open the door and gaze at the world. Sunrise is in its middle stages…its half-light, half-dark…the world is blue.

Early morning, and people haven’t left their warm beds yet. All is quiet...except for the sound of the rain.

As I stand there, I close my eyes and listen to the sound of water drops as they gently hit the ground. That beautiful musical sound that no instrument can produce. I inhale deeply…the smell of the rain…a scent that no perfume can compare to.

Slowly, one by one, every muscle in my body starts to unwind…every nerve starts to relax…every worry is diminished…every pain is numbed…thoughts are pushed to the back of my mind…I am being hypnotized.

I open my eyes and look down…I smile.

A little tabby cat is standing at my feet. Its emerald green eyes gazing into mine. I see its small body shivering as it tries to keep out of the rain. It doesn’t make a sound…just sits there near my feet...pleading with its mesmerizing eyes.

I bend down and pick it up. It snuggles against my neck and chest as I hold it close to me. Its shivering little body seeking the warmth of mine. I stroke its head gently and whisper into its ear. I stand there for a while…holding the cat…stroking it…and listening to the rain.

After a while, I put the cat back down on the ground and I step outside. The first few cold rain drops are a shock to my senses. I gasp…and step out further.

The rain hits my head…trickling softly into my hair…a gentle massage…

More rain hits the bare skin on my face, neck, and arms sending shock waves to every nerve in my body. Soon, I am soaked. I close my eyes once again and lift my face up to the sky. The feeling of the rain against my closed eye lids, my cheeks, my lips…is pure delight.

The sound of gentle laughter escapes from between my lips.

This is bliss…I am in heaven.

Reality hits me and I open my eyes. I am drenched with water. My body is shaking from head to toe. I am freezing cold! I try to control the shivering, but my body mechanism is stronger than my will. I have no choice…I rush back inside.

I dry myself and change my clothes…but I am still very cold. I go downstairs seeking the warmth of the fire-place. I find HIM there…

He is sat close to the fire…facing the window…a tender, amused smile on his face. I realize that he witnessed my moments of madness and heat rushes to my face…I blush!

He lifts his arm up and holds out his hand to me. I walk slowly towards him and I shyly place my hand in his. His fingers close around mine as he pulls me onto his lap, wrapping his arms around my body protectively.

I forget the meaning of the word ‘cold’…

At that moment, I feel a delicate stroke against my feet. I glance down to see the small tabby cat…I smile. We sit there in silence…and listen to the sound of the rain…

This is the definition of happiness for me.

Saturday, 14 April 2007


They both froze. Each of them pointing a gun at the others heart. Both were breathing heavily after the fight that they just had. They were both strong and very powerful. But even with all her strength, he was more advanced. Eyes locked on each others, neither of them made a move to finish it. They studied each other. Both composed, unafraid. Then to her astonishment, he smiled. A slow, sad smile that appeared faintly on his lips. He lowered his gun.

“Ladies first” he spoke softly.

She gazed at him for a very long time.

“Don’t…don’t you dare…” she said as her eyes started to fill with tears.

“You coward! Don’t back off now!” she shouted at him but he didn’t respond. He continued watching her. She was beautiful. Tears flooded her eyes and slowly fell down her cheeks. Without thinking of the consequences or the meaning of what he was doing, he moved closer to her and pulled her into his arms. For a moment, she stood there rigidly in his arms and then with a quiet sob, he felt her body sag. The gun dropped from her hand and she leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder. She let him hold her and she cried. Silent tears full of anguish, misery, and grief. It was a long time before she stopped and even a longer time before either of them spoke.

“Why didn’t you do it?” he asked her gently.

“Why didn’t you?” she replied evenly.

“I didn’t because I like you. It sounds ridiculous but there is something about you. Maybe it’s the fact that when I’m fighting you, it feels like I’m against an equal. I haven’t felt that in a very long time.” he said.

“I’m not your equal” she replied softly, “you are much stronger than me”

There was a small pause before he said.

“No. maybe I am in some aspects but don’t forget, I have had a lot of years to develop these skills and powers, where as you, you have only had a few years but you are still much more powerful than the majority of them.”

Another small pause where there was no sound except for their breathing.

“You know, this doesn’t change anything. I still hate you” she said.

“So what are you doing in my arms” he asked with amusement.

As soon as these words left his lips, she pulled away. She bent down and picked up the gun. Holding it in both hands, she studied it with thought.

“Why do we hate each other so much?” she asked with sadness in her voice.

He didn’t answer. She looked up at him taking in his every feature. He was very handsome. He was looking into her eyes as if searching for something.

“I love you” he said simply.

“I know” she answered gently. Then, with out hesitation, she lifted the gun and shot him three times in the chest.

“I love you too” she whispered.

At first, nothing happened. He didn’t move, didn’t utter a sound. Still looking at her, he lifted his hand to his chest. A confused expression came into his eyes as he saw that it came away covered in blood. The confusion quickly turned into surprise, and then the surprise to understanding. He fell to his knees, blood pouring out of his chest wounds. He fell gracefully. He fell in a manner in which a fighter would fall…with a great amount of dignity. He was smiling.

She watched it happening as if in slow motion. She wanted to run to him and take him into her arms. She wanted to tell him that she was sorry. She wanted to get him help. But she didn’t do any of those things. She stood still and watched as the life slowly drained out of him. His breathing had become shallow and rapid, and even from where she stood, she could see that his pupils had dilated. Except for his breathing, he seemed calm, under control, and he was still smiling up at her. The smile clutched at her heart and she had to bite her lip hard to avoid losing her composure. His lips moved, as if he wanted to say something. He seemed to be struggling to get the words out. She waited but nothing was said. The smile vanished, the spark in his eyes started to disappear, and she knew that he was nearly gone. Suddenly he sighed…a deep sigh that seemed to come from within, and then he was still. She knew that his sigh would always haunt her. The silence that followed was deafening. She closed her eyes as another tear fell down her cheek. Putting the gun away, she slowly made her way towards his body. She gazed down at him for a very long time. Then, she turned around and walked away.